Hey look its me Pablo <3

Another day is here is so another post aswell.

I have been thinking to myself lately, alot. As my spare time has been alot lately. So what have I been thinking about? What is the matter you ask? What is it I feel inside? What cause me to act this way?

Well I am gonna give you straight forward answers to what all of those are.

I just get out of control when I get angry at things. I freak out on everyone around me, is it right to do that, NO not at all, as no one should have to go through that at all.. And everytime I do that, later on guess what, I feel horrible, I honestly feel like shit inside.

There are times I say to myself, I am a failure, I am a nobody, I am a asshole, I am a jerk. They all have been said numerous times and thought of numerous times aswell.

I get mad at people who do stupid things for no reasons, or bad drivers when I am driving, just random things that piss me off during the day, turns into burning anger, and I lash out on everyone else around me because of it.

You know what I was told before, I was a nuisance to society. Well maybe its because of how I do last out and hurt others. Saying hurtful things, things that just come out, that should not have came out.

And then lately too I have been sick about all my tests and such, and all the worrying, as it really bothers a person when you hear stuff like that from your doctor. I just wanna be a healthy person, But the pain I sometimes feel, hurts bad at points that I lash out aswell.

So what else has been on my mind you may ask, I just miss you soo much hun, I get lonely alot and I try not to, I may not say much at all when we chat on the phone or on msn, its because by me just listening to you, it makes all that disappear. All the frustration inside me, from everything, disappears when I hear you.

I do with all my heart, wanna come up there in may to go on holidays with you, to see all the maritimes with you, as I have heard over and over just how beautiful it really is. And I would love to share that with you darlin. I would also really enjoy going to Katey's wedding, but I was thinking again to myself, that I should just come up early, 2-3 days before hand so I can see you before the wedding. How would you like that. I am willing to work as hard as you baby on this, cause I know and you know that together we can achieve it.

It also gets to me with everyone up there putting all the stress and pressure on you saying do this and do that, well they should start owning up to it, and not putting it only on you. And then your safetey, I do get really worried at times, for you.

So there are the answers to those burning questions you had inside.

Possibly another update to follow stay tuned.

Do know this Misty, I love you ever soo much and I know you are trying to be very patient with me, and I thank you for that. As I have been a nag, and a jerk to you, said things I shouldn't have and I am dearly sorry for that. Do you forgive yet again, for my outrages?

This I wanna say to youMisty, I wanna change, and starting Feb 1st 2007. I WILL CHANGE, as I am gonna put my mind to it, and stop being a jerk to people, to calm my anger.

I will start being a better person. This I promise to you.

With all my love,

Your Man always,

With you, I am strength, I am couragous, I am a somebody !!!

Hey there people:

So what brings me here you ask. Well I am gonna speak now about my last few posts.

First off I wanna start with., do I wanna give up, NO I don't wanna give up. Why you ask. I like challenges. I like change. And I am gonna do all I can to make this happen, to strive for what I want in life. To achieve what I wanted to achieve, be where I wanna be. To do what I always wanted to do.

I said I didn't get any of the jobs I wanted that I applied to since I came back. Now looking back on that. Maybe I have something else all lined up for me, maybe its just school that I am suppose to take until I get it done and then I will have a job laid out for me.

Maybe the other reason I didn't get on at Access is because it was outdoors and involved alot of work, and with my condition that I currently have is why they wouldn't hire me.

Also to add about my last post I said that I would give up on things, well if I did that I would be called a coward, worthless. a loser. I am none of those. I am better then that. With my strength, courage, patience, will power and faith I can pull through it and get to where I wanna be.

All from the help of my amazing girlfriend Misty. And God. God Blessyou Misty for all your help you give me each and everyday. I thank God for blessing her with that.

So what do I want, what do I need. You may ask yourself. I wanna be with Misty, that is what I want, what do I need, I need Misty, without all of her help and support I don't know where I would be today.

Hopefully by the beginning of march or the end of march she will be here with me. Us two living together it will be so wonderful. I will maybe work part time depending on my findings. And just continue with my schooling, Yes hunny I will pitch in all I can to be with you for us. Rent, furniture etc.

So with my school and then her school, we both will be busy bees. She said she is gonna work as many jobs and hours as it takes for her to make it here in march. I love you hunny soo much. We both will make this work with our strength, our faith, our courage, our patience and all our will power to move ahead and follow through on what we have.

I was just thinking again about who I have in my life and how much they mean to me, each and everyone of them, mean soo much to me, more then they think they do at times. I am so grateful, so thankful, that I have people like them in my life, so thankful that God blessed me with these people.

I would like to also say sorry to my girlfriend , as I have been a jerk recently, been angry, depressed over everything and took it out on her and I shouldn't have.

To my love, I may not show it at times and may not say it at times, that I love you, but know deep down in your heart that I love you soo much. more ways then I can express. Without you I would be lost. I am proud of you for all you do for me, for everyone, and I thank you dearly from the bottom of my heart for keeping me in place, giving me strength, cheering me up and helping me through everything. You truly do deserve a merit award for all you have done for me and others. You should be recognized for that. Im proud of you.

Thats about it for now babe, everyone

Peace out

Sincerely,

JM

Another update to what I said !!!!!

So what brings me back with another update. You ask. Here goes.

I got a phone call this am from Access Communications, what was it regarding, a job you may say, well it was for her to call me and say we are not gonna hire you at this time as we have one another recipient for the position. Yup turned down YET again by a company I really wanted to work for, Yup my friends thats two companies I wanted to work for, but turned down from both for the same reasons. Why didn't I get the job you ask, maybe I ain't good enough, maybe I don't have the right skills or enough experience in that matter. Who knows. I sure don't anymore.

So what am I gonna do now you ask. Absolutely nothing, as I have tried and tried and tried to obtain a job to where I wanted to work, something that I would enjoy doing, and now I don't even try anymore, As I get my hopes up and get excited, I start to plan things, and I get shot down time after time. Back to the bottom of the rubbish pile.

It just doesn't seem to be going in my favor. Always. Maybe its not meant to be, maybe nothing is meant to be, quite frankly I don't even know anymore.

Maybe we aren't suppose to be together, Quite frankly I'm not sure. As I keep trying to obtain a good paying job so we can work it all out and she can move here in march, but at this rate I don't have a job, and can't even find one, so where does that leave us, I'm not sure. I just wanted it all to work out, and it keeps kicking my square in the ass. Maybe it is time to give up.

Maybe they were right, maybe she should go to Bible school, I don't know. As the more we fight towards what we want, it seems to me the more we get our asses kicked.

So what am I gonna do you ask about all of this. I honestly don't know. I wanna keep trying on one side but the other side says can you win, can you accomplish it. I'm really beginning to wonder.

Is there anymore jobs in the city that I like, that I wanna work at, well for IT work there isn't anything else, possibly a bank, but I don't wanna have to have a job that I hate. Maybe if it all comes down to it, back to laboring it is, or construction, maybe I'm not cut out for any work in the IT field, maybe I'm not smart enough. I don't know.

But by what I see laboring work is what I will be doing. Sure its hard work and lifting, but I guess thats's all I can seem to get these days.

As for school, I will continue to do my schooling, where will it take me, what will it get me, Will it land me my dream career. Who knows, Cause I sure can't say.

Peace Out,


Justin

Sunday January 14th 2007

Well time to write another post in my blog. So what brings me here today you ask? Well read on


As I sit here In front of my pc I ask myself? What have I done? What did I accomplish? Who have a I met? Who do I have in my life? Any friends? Any work? School?

I messaged my girlfriend earlier about how boring my life is. It is to a certain extent, me 23 years of age, no job, sitting at home all day everyday. It sucks. Came back In Nov. Applied at numerous places and got shut down, no work, guess I wasn't good enough for the position I applied for. So where am I gonna work, what am I gonna do you ask?

Maybe back to laboring work as I have known best, worked in that area for 4-5 years of my life and thats what I am good at. Yea it takes its toll on a person, but what other options do I have.

I remember when I graduated from CDI in 2005, I immediately applied for a job everywheres, I recall it was about 15-20 businesses I applied at pbut got not one, so I went back to laboring work with Kelly Services and Adecco and got instantly hired. So if thats what I have to do to get work that is what I shall do.

At times I just get soo lonely, staying home all day, nothing to do, no one to hang out with, such a good life. Thank Goodness for my girlfriend , other I would go insane.

So I hopefully start school by the end of the month, we will see how that goes and if I can obtain a job after I finish it. Or if I have to go another year or two in the course and continually upgrade.

Right now I do hold my Network Administration diploma and some certfications, but the workforce in this area just isn't looking for many now as one person can do the work of what it use to take 20-30. So maybe a job in 3d animation or visual effects. Hopefully I can do that? Maybe at home maybe a small company, maybe a large company. We shall see what is in store.

I have met alot of people in my life, some good, some not so good, well for the very few people I have left, I keep them all close to me and fear losing them as good friends, don't just come by easy.

I have been hurt in the past with people calling me down, calling me a "failure", people walking over me, using me. I got to the point where I was sick of it all and started standing up for myself, I tend to speak my mind now, before I was meek, quiet, kept to myself. Now I am the opposite. I tell people off and all now, as It gets to the point where I don't care, I get treated like rubbish Im throwing it right back.

I met a girl, on January 11th 2006, right then and there that this was the girl for me, I sensed it in my spirit, sure we both have went through alot this passed year, we had our ups and downs, but today we are stronger then ever. Thats what made us who we are today, all the faith, the strength, the patience and all the hard work we both put in. I can truly say I have never felt this much love from a girl before, never had this much support from a girlfriend before, and just never had a girl to back me up in all I do and wanna do. Its simply amazing, I am so thankful of who I have in my life. I am so proud of this girl I have in my life. Thats her name, And I am Proud of her for all she has accomplished, all she has done, and for all she wants to do.

I will be adding another update to this possibly later tonite or tomorrow we shall see.

To all those who have made an impact on my life, and have helped through the good and bad. I give my thanks. And say God Bless you, each and everyone of you, without you all in my life, I honestly don't know where I would be today, or what I would be doing.

I may have missed a few things in this article but I will catch up on it. In my next or the next after that.

Till again

Your truly,


JM